Director's Cut
by ex-LongLongHair
Summary: What happens (possibly) on the set of the first movie. No sequels, no prequels but please, lotsa reviews!


A/N: Hello again, everyone! Welcome to Completely Crazy airlines, the completely crazy way to travel. We remind you that Gameboys, Gamegirls, Mr. Insinkerators, Microwaves and other electrical appliances are not permitted on this flight. Please look to your nearest flight hostess for a demonstration of the safety procedures. For further information, please refer to your safety card. Okay. Enough of this crap already. On with an explanation of this fic. This is probably portraying all the actors and people wrong, but I thought it'd be fun just to have a little uproar during the making of the movie. Please R/R, and tell me whether I should pursue such follies.

Disclaimer: Now, what's mentioned in this? Ah, yes. Pokemon, Indiana Jones, Star Wars, James Bond, Barbies, umm... what's the whole thing based on again? Harry Potter. That's it! Okay. Pokemon belongs to those Pokemon creator people, Indiana Jones would belong to George Lucas? Star Wars would belong to...George Lucas as well! James Bond belongs to Ian Fleming (Sir?) and Nasdaj?. Barbie belongs to Mattel. Harry Potter belongs to...George Lucas? No! J.K. Rowling. and John Williams belongs to himself, bless the dear (great music, huh?) No characters were hurt in any way, although I would say playing Russian roulette sorta stuffs the insurance policy, doesn't it. No innocent bystanders were hurt, although some not so innocent ones were. The director was hurt quite a bit. No animals were mistreated, although I don't think I mentioned any. Okay, okay! (fends off irate readers who are, to be honest, getting quite bored with this drivel about who belongs to who) I'll stop!   


  


~Director's Cut~

  
  


Director Cut! (walks onto set) Draco, you've got to be meaner. We can't have the school bully being nice, can we?

Draco: Aw, I don't wanna be the bad guy. I don't want to be mean to him (points to Harry). I don't want to call her a mudblood. She's my friend.

Director: Draco, this is just a movie. She can still be your best friend in real life.

Draco: (scowling) But you said to pretend that this is real.

Director: (sighs) Never mind. (turns to Harry) Now, Harry, you've got to pay more attention. That's the fifteenth time you missed your cue.

Harry: I was thinking of that really rare Pokémon card. He's got it. (points at Ron) I want it.

Director: I'll get you that Pokémon card after we finish this movie, okay?

Harry: (unconvinced) Okay. I don't get why I have to be friends with him though. (points at Ron) I like Draco better.

Director: In the book it says that you have to be friends with Ron, not Draco. Draco is your enemy.

Harry: This is a movie. Movies don't have to follow books.

Director: Still…

Ron: I don't want to be friends with Harry either. He won't give me Squirtle.

Director: Squirtle?

Ron: Yeah. Squirtle. He wants my Ponyta in exchange, but I only have one Ponyta. He has three Squirtles, and he still won't give me one.

Director: Can't you compromise?

Ron: How am I supposed to compromise with him? I mean, you can't, can you?

Director: Hmmm. (flips through notebook) Hermione, you can't look so dumb.

Hermione: I can't help it. The makeup's so thick, I can't look intelligent and painted at the same time.

Director: (aside) and they said that these kids were geniuses at acting. (to Hermione) Try to be more friendly to Harry and Ron.

Hermione: All they talk about is Pokémon. I hate Pokémon. I just want my Barbies.

Director: You can play with your Barbies after we've finished this scene.

Hermione: I don't play with my Barbies, I collect them. I already have 300.

Director: 300 Barbies! That's nothing. I have 564.

Hermione: Well, you don't have Sparkle Delight Barbie, do you?

Director: When did that come out?

Hermione: Ha! I fooled you.

Director: You mean there isn't a Sparkle Delight Barbie?

Hermione: Yes. Sorry, no, there is a Sparkle Delight Barbie, except it's more commonly known as the Glitter Girl Barbie. It's only called Sparkle Delight Barbie in South Korea.

Director: Say, do you want to come over to my house afterwards to have a look at one of the original Barbies?

Hermione: (claps hands in delight) Of course! (Looks at mother, who is in the wings) Can I go?

Mum: Sure, pet.

Hermione: Thankyou!

Director: Now, shall we get on with it?

Harry: I still don't like Ron!

Director: Since you guys are so involved with Pokémon, how about you pretend Draco is-what is it, Team Rocket?

Draco: I don't wanna be the bad guy.

Harry: I'll be Team Rocket. Hey, Hermione, will you be Jessie? I'll be James.

Hermione: No way am I going to get involved with Pokémon and Harry Potter at the same time. It's the biggest marketing gimmick in the world.

Harry: Oh yeah? What about Barbies?

Hermione: Don't knock my Barbies!

Harry: Fine. Ron, will you be Jessie?

Ron: What, a girl? No way!

Harry: Whatever. I'll be James and Jessie.

Ron: Ooh. A transvestite.

Harry: Shut up and surrender, or prepare to fight.

Draco: Where's my Pikachu?

Director: Just pretend.

Draco: You've been saying that to us for ages, but it hasn't worked!

Harry: Yeah.

Ron: Yeah.

Hermione: Yeah. Let's get him!

Hermione, Ron, Harry and Draco all jump on the Director, who tries to fend them off with the script and the American version of The Philosopher's Stone (Sorceror's Stone). He dismally fails, and ends up with a lot of cuts and scratches.   


  


*~~~*

  
  


Some time later…

McGonagall: If I were you, I'd go after Snape or Quirell. Those friends of yours are pansies.

Hermione: Yep. Me, I like older men.

Director: Cut! You're not supposed to be talking about boyfriends! Hogwarts doesn't have sex education! Come on, you surely know better than this!

Hermione: It's so boring though.

Director: Well, just wait until you get to the bit where you, Harry and Ron try to get the Philosopher's Stone!

Hermione: I really couldn't be bothered with figuring out which potion is which. I'd just drink one and hope it was the right one.

Director: Yes, but the Hermione in the book is a smart-ass. She does these kind of things.

Hermione: Well, I'm not her. Get another Hermione. I quit! (storms off set to dutiful mother waiting on sidelines.

Director: Ahh! And you, McGonagall, be sterner! I never saw such a kind McGonagall. Dumbledore's the kind one.

McGonagall: Well, he's off on a quest for the Holy Grail, isn't he, so who's going to take his place?

Director: He's gone to London. The Holy Grail isn't in London, it's in some middle eastern country!

(Indiana Jones theme music starts playing)

Director: Shut up, John! [John Williams, for those of you who don't know]

(Music stops)

Director: That's much better.

McGonagall: I like being a kind old lady. Anyway, why do I have to dye my hair black?

Director: Because it says in the book!

McGonagall: The book this, the book that. You'd think it was your Bible.

Director: We're trying to make a Harry Potter movie! Why else do you think I'm trying to follow the book as closely as possible?

McGonagall: All those other movies don't follow the books they were based on. Take all the James Bond movies, for instance.

Director: James Bond is different.

McGonagall: What about Star Wars then?

(Star Wars theme music starts playing)

Director: Shut up, John! Star Wars was different. They wrote the movie first.

McGonagall: (sniffs) I still don't see why I can't be kind.

Director: Look, when you signed the contract, you agreed to act the part.

McGonagall: Doesn't mean I have to do it well. In any case, I'm interpreting it.

Director: Haven't you ever read Harry Potter?

McGonagall: Now you're sounding like Hermione. Haven't you ever read Hogwarts: A History type thing.

Director: I see you have read Harry Potter.

McGonagall: Nope. I got that line off a Harry Potter fan site.   


Director: And what the hell were you doing there?

McGonagall: I thought it would give me an idea of what I have to live up to.

Director: Come on! You all talked to J.K. Rowling.

McGonagall: She only waffled on about how great the whole thing was. Never once mentioned how I should play the part.

Director: Arrgh! (Throws script into the air and stomps off.)   
  
  


*~~~*

  
  
  


Some time later when everything's cooled down, and the director thinks everyone has settled their differences…

Ron: (gets out exploding snap cards and smiles almost evilly) So…you wanna play poker?

Hermione: Sure. Might as well, my mum forced me to keep on with this whole farce. (plucks at school robes)

Harry: Sure. I'm in for a game of poker.

Ron: Let's make it...(duh duh duh dummmm) Strip poker!

Harry: Why not?

Hermione: I suppose so...

Director: Cut! No, no, no! You can't play poker! Especially not strip poker! You're good little English children going to an exclusive boarding school!

Ron: We're eleven. We should be playing poker. Anyway, we're only playing for jelly beans. I mean, look at Draco and his friends over in the Slytherin common room. They're playing spin the bottle, or so I heard.

Director: Spin the bottle?!?

Harry: At least we're playing together. Anyway, why are you worried about them? At least they're not running amok with Peeves. You know, they were the ones who put the eggs in your bed.

Director: Why, those little Slytherin scum-

Draco: (Walking in) Little whats?

Director: Nothing.

Draco: I heard you say something about us "Slytherins" (does the little finger quotation mark thingy). What was it?

Ron: Only that you were playing Spin the bottle.

Draco: Spin the bottle? Pshaw! That's kids play. We're playing Russian roulette.

Director: What's that?

Draco: (in disbelief) You don't know what Russian roulette is?

Director: Nope.

Draco: (sighs) It's when you put one bullet into a gun, spin the barrel, then fire the gun once at your head.

Director: (horrified) And how long has this been going on?

Draco: Ever since you told us to stay in that room unless we were shooting a scene.

Director: What will your parents say?

Draco: They reckon it's character building. They were the ones who taught us how to play in the first place.

Director: Why oh why did this all have to happen to me? Dear God, I'm cursed!

Hermione: No, you just don't know how to control us properly.

Director: Whatever. (stomps off muttering crazily to himself)

All the kids start laughing as they see the director trudging off into the gloom.   


  


*~~~*

  
  


A/N: Well? Did you skip through the whole thing just to tell me it was a waste of time, or did you actually read it, and are about to review it, or is it just the computer playing up and skipping to the end of it? You tell me. Review. Now!

Oh, by the way, I belong to myself, although I do not appear in the body of this fanfic (although I am there in the head.). Read my other stories and review them too, if you haven't already. Please?   



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